the best feeling in the world

one of the worst feelings in the world, in my opinion, is that feeling where you need to throw up but you can't yet. simply because your digestive tract is still working on regurgitating whatever you last ate. so you know you need to throw up, but you don't know when. you have to wait, and there's no beeper that tells you "ah, yes, i'm ready to come up now".

sometimes that feeling lasts so long you forget what it was like not to feel that way. maybe it's not actually that long but the discomfort prolongs each second, so you're all sprawled out wherever and continue to feel that tug down your throat. and sometimes you get these false alarms where you "throw up", only nothing comes up and you hate it even more because it was a fucking false alarm, a sense of false hope where things feel even worse because you expected it to get better.

and then the bells go off when you vomit. the horrible sound of whatever you last ate splashing into the toilet bowl. that reeking smell of mucous from your stomach. that acid taste that lingers in your mouth regardless of how many times you rinse your mouth. the worst part of the process is when someone strokes your back upwards to help it come up. you would think it doesn't, i mean, it's a simple stroke. but it does. oh god it does. so effective, in fact, that you start to hate that person because everything just keeps coming out and you have no fucking time to breathe. sometimes i get so mad that i literally hold up a hand and tell them to stop so i can inhale some.

then it's all over. hallelujah. that's when you get the best feeling in the world. the normal state of not having to throw up. except you treasure it so much more because you just suffered that immeasurable tug of "need-to-throw-up". you cherish the fact that it's all over, and you're grateful everything's back to normal. you're so happy you're yourself again.

so maybe that's what we all need. a little challenge to our normal self to realize that we're most comfortable just the way we are.

"so, as long as I'm a good person, it's okay that I want to look pretty?"
--lizzie mcguire

"I don't want to have a friend unless I can call them one of my best friends."
--leighton meester, according to her imdb

"You start dating because you owe it to yourself to see if you could be more."
--elena gilbert